Have you ever thought to yourself something like…

“Will you just stop barking?”

“Can you not scratch my couch up?”

“For the love of all things good and pure, please get off of me.”

“Stop pulling on the leash.”

“Quit pushing the glass off the table!”

“Get out of the trash!”

Come on, be honest. If you haven’t had one of these thoughts, you’ve had a similar gripe or complaint about something you want your pet to stop doing.

It’s normal! It isn’t something to be ashamed about or feel guilty for. There are plenty of things I wish my dogs or other animals in my care would stop doing. Have you ever tried to maintain a fresh water source for a parrot? I can promise you, it isn’t easy! The way they leave bits of food in  water is a very normal part of food acquisition and consumption for them. But changing their water constantly to keep it clean can be incredibly frustrating for us.

But here’s the kicker. If you want to do something about it, focusing on the stop, cease, quit isn’t going to be helpful. Like at all. It may give you a vague idea of an end point, but it provides you little to no guidance for the journey.

 

Warmer / Colder

Do y’all remember the warmer/colder game you’d play as a kid. Where there was a “hot spot” in the room, and using the cues “warmer” and “colder,” you needed to guide your teammate to the hot spot?

Imagine how hard that game would be if you only could say colder, if you couldn’t provide any information that your teammate is getting “warmer” to the correct answer. If you were lucky, maybe you only had 20 square feet that you were playing in, and it would only 19-ish “colders.” But imagine if there were hundreds, or thousands, of things that your teammate could try before finding the hot spot. It’s going to be a miserable activity for both of you. You’re going to get frustrated, and no one likes to be wrong that often. It feels terrible. But getting that feedback that you’re warmer is stellar, and exciting.

Let’s Look at an Example:

Let’s pretend that my partner has a routine of coming home, walking over to the couch, taking his shoes off, and leaving them between the couch and the coffee table.

And I hate that. I have a history of tripping on his shoes or stubbing my toe, and I can’t stand all the pine needles he’s bringing into the house.

I want him to stop leaving his shoes by the couch.

So when he walks to the couch, I say “No.”

When he starts to take a shoe off, I say “No.”

He puts a shoe on the ground, I say “No.”

That’s not terribly helpful, right? I’ve managed to tell him he’s wrong in like 85 different ways, and boy, oh boy, he has thousands of alternative things he could do that I seriously wouldn’t like. I mean, what if one day, I walk into the kitchen and he’s like “Whelp, might as well try leaving my shoes in the kitchen sink?!” And yes, I intend this to be a fanciful example. However, I wouldn’t put it past my partner to think outside of the box. All of this is to say, instead, I can look at what I do want. 

I want my partner to stop at the front door, take his shoes off, and leave them on the mat.

Now is the fun part. I get to get curious. I get to get creative. I get to play Nancy Drew: The Case of the Annoying Shoes. I get to investigate why that isn’t already happening. Why is coming in, walking to the couch, sitting down, taking the shoes off, and leaving them there the path of least resistance for him?

Maybe the mat is too small, and we need a bigger mat to accommodate all of our shoes. Maybe it bothers him when his shoes get buried under all of mine.

Maybe he needs a place to sit to take off his shoes, and that’s why he’s walking all the way to the couch.

Maybe he goes to the couch because that is where his slippers are, and we’ve been caught in this terrible cycle because of ease of access.

By identifying what I did want, I now get to do the trial and eval and I can get warmer, not just colder.

 

Problem Solving in Practice

Comparing this to behavior consulting…what each family wants and needs is unique. This isn’t a comprehensive list of options. So while these are some of the wants from my clients, yours may be different!

“Will you just stop barking?” –> “Can you bark twice and then come find me?”

“Can you not scratch my couch up?” –> “Scratch this scratching post instead.”

“For the love of all things good and pure, please get off of me.” –> “Go to bed.”

“Stop pulling on leash.” –> “Walk within 3 feet of me.”

“Quit pushing the glass off the table!” –> “4 on the floor (or in this case, table)”

“Get out of the trash!” –> “Find a toy in your toy bin.”

“Will you stop dirtying your water?!” –> “I want you to have clean water, let’s try more bowls.”

 

Identify What You Want

This sounds pretty simple, right? That doesn’t mean it is easy. I’m not going to lie, this can be HARD. Especially when something hurts, when something is causing us pain or friction. We just want it to stop. And that’s where a little bit of help comes in.

When I’m working with families, identifying what they want is often one of the first steps. Part of my job as their behavior consultant is to help them translate their pain point into an actionable plan. I have a robust database of options of what they may want, and that means I can do the heavy lifting as long as they get descriptive–and that usually means I’m asking a lot of questions, like:

• Surrounding your current pain point, imagine your perfect situation with your pet. What does that look like? What does that feel like? What would that mean for you and your family?
• Pretend you’re a fiction author and you need to describe, in detail, your dream situation with your pet. How would you describe it?
• Give me five out-of-the-box things that you think would solve your problem.
• What are things you’ve pondered, but aren’t sure about?

As I mentioned with in this podcast episode talking about enrichment, allergies and Griffey’s journey, having a team to collaborate with makes a huge difference. I don’t need to be the expert in allergy management, I just need to be the expert in me, my family, and Griffey. I was able to use my team to determine what needed to happen, so I could use my bandwidth to make it happen.

 

Now What?!

If you are stuck with something regarding your pet, ask yourself if you’ve identified what you do want. Do you already have a plan in place to tell your pet that they are warmer, or are you only focused on giving feedback for the “colder”?

Set yourself up to succeed in reinforcing approximations of or the behavior you are looking for by having treat jars already filled and set out. Check out this podcast episode on troubleshooting and problem-solving if you’d like to dive deeper into these topics!

 

Here’s to harmony!

Ellen