The Advice That Allowed Me to Show Up for My Dog

Throughout my time with Griffey, I have received all sorts of advice, both solicited and unsolicited–something so many of us with pets with behavior challenges experience. 

But there was one conversation that is seared into my memory so deeply because it was the thing that let me show up for Griffey and help him learn the skills that empower him to be the absolutely incredible creature he is today. 

So this is something I want to share with other pet parents. The ones who may hold a little resentment toward their pet’s challenges, or that find themselves in despair of the life they wanted, or that are finding it hard to bond with the creature that is in their house. 

Your journey with your pet is yours and yours alone, but I hope this can help you even half as much as it helped me.

So let’s get into it.

Back in 2017, my partner and I were gearing up to get our Karen Pryor Academy Certified Training Partner credentials. Since we were both applying to the program we needed two dogs, one for each of us to work through the program. We had our wonderful companion, Laika, and it was the right time to bring another dog into the family. 

I distinctly remember sitting down at our dining room table talking about my concerns because, for those of you who don’t know, the KPA-CTP workshops are no joke. It is tough for both dog and person, so I was looking for something incredibly specific in our next dog. Our next dog needed to be good with other dogs, good with other people, interested in learning and training, and had to be able to be left alone. We had things so easy with Laika that I was really worried about shaking things up.

Fast forward: we went to a few shelters looking for the right companion for this stage in our life. At the last shelter, we saw these immaculate ears poking out over the bottom panel of the kennel door, and we asked to meet the dog who grew them. 

Out in the meet and greet yard, he was interested in engaging with us, took treats from total strangers, was a perky little fella, and reports were that he got along well with the dogs that they introduced him to at the shelter, and with the shelter staff. It was a done deal. 

As we were learning about him before departing, we learned that he was an owner-surrender, and the only information they had was that he “could not be house trained”. We made sure that he got a full vet check to ensure there wasn’t anything medical going on and, with that confirmation, had no concerns that would be a challenge for us. 

We drove him home and did a quick meet and greet with Laika, which went spectacularly. After such a long day, I went to the bathroom, shut the door, and he immediately started screaming like someone was causing him severe physical damage. I remember being frozen in the bathroom thinking, “Oh, god. What did we do?” We immediately started implementing some strategies and started to learn more and more about our new little friend. 

Of course, over the next few months, we started the KPA program and got to know the quirks of the creature we now know as Griffey. Potty training wasn’t that challenging once he learned he could go to the bathroom in front of us. He was a decent walker on a leash. He and Laika were great friends. But he was scared of other dogs out in the real world. He was wary of strangers, but not everyone, and even bonded with our best friends. He did puke every time he got in the car, so that was just one more thing on the list.

All of those challenges were one thing, but then when you added the shrieking like a banshee when separated from me, it was too much. The stress of the number of things we needed to work on with no support system had me shutting down. 

One night, at an event, I was speaking to one of my mentors, Dr. Susan Friedman. I was sharing with Dr. Friedman how stressed I was about the gigantic impact this was having on my life, while trying to help him live the comfortable and happy life I was dedicated to giving him, without much of a support system. 

Dr. Friedman, being the incredible behaviorist that they are, certainly noticed the slight tears welling up in my ears and the cracks in my voice. 

And they said to me, “Have you grieved him yet?” 

I remember thinking, “What a strange question. He’s sitting at home as we speak.” So I said, “I don’t understand.”

Susan shared with me that sometimes, we need to grieve the expectations that we had. We may need to grieve the dog we wanted and expected. We may need to grieve the life we imagined with our companion. We may need to grieve the plans we had. But until we take the time to process our grief, it is incredibly hard to show up for the learner we have in front of us. That doesn’t mean that we don’t love them, that we aren’t dedicated to them, that we can’t make progress. But there will be a wall between us, them, and the way we want to show up for them. 

That had never occurred to me! Of course, I had to swiftly excuse myself to go process some feels in the safety of the restroom instead of the middle of a dining hall, but that was the turning point for me.

I was able to approach my feelings, the ones I was feeling so guilty about carrying, with kindness and compassion–which meant I could process them rather than suppress them. 

And from there, I was able to show up for the dog Griffey was, not the dog that I had dreamed he would be. 

Now, I know that this advice won’t help everyone. But it had such a lasting impact on me, and many of the clients I’ve shared it with, that I wanted others to be able to find it if they wanted it.

So, dear pet parent: I hope that you are able to grieve those expectations you had. I hope that you can find kindness and compassion for yourself, even if you’re ashamed of the feelings you have toward your pet or their behavior. And I hope that you can find the support you need to show up for your pet in the way that you want to. 

Because once that happens, you and your pet can do incredible things. Even if today, that feels entirely impossible.

Now What? 

• I’d love to give you actionable steps, but this part of the journey is extremely personal. What I can give you is the promise that Pet Harmony consultants are here to support you and your pet, wherever you are in your journey.

Happy Training! 

Ellen