One of the most common things I have been told throughout my career is that my dog should do [x] behavior- well, because they should! What I was not expecting was the number of clients that apply the same metric to their friends and family, pet-related or not. 

My husband Chance (yes, Chance like Chance the Rapper or Chance the Snapper to all you Chicagoans) and I just celebrated our one year anniversary! 

When we started dating I had a cat who abandoned me for Chance almost immediately, and then within a month adopted a dog. For context, I was already looking for a dog, so it wasn’t a wild stretch. However, when we met Ghost, Chance had a convincing argument of “But she’s so good” that I just couldn’t find fault with. Since then, we accrued two more animals (a cat, Lilith, and a dog, Eden) before we got married on November 11th, 2024. And with all these creatures under the same roof, we saw no conflict ever, about anything, and we sailed off into the sunset! Cute, yeah? 

Recently when talking with a client about working with their pet, they brought up a partner as a major hurdle in their dog’s progress. They took a deep sigh, looked at me, and said “You must never have this problem with your family and friends.”  

To say I cackled wouldn’t be a stretch. Even as a professional, a certified professional for over five years now, working with dogs since I was 12, I am not immune to the conflict of working with my partner, or family, or friends. Being married for one whole year certainly doesn’t give me any new powers of conflict navigation, but the background of working with a wide variety of individuals (animals and humans alike) gave me the tools for navigating conflict that have saved us a lot of strife. Especially since I can get a little stubborn at times about what I feel is needed for our animals. 

It’s behavior modification, not behavior substitution for a reason. 

For as much as we love our human loved ones, pets can be sensitive subjects! Especially when we’re just starting on a training journey that the other doesn’t seem to understand. A person becomes invested in training, has been practicing skills and expanding their knowledge and application, and then WHAM! They get knocked completely off course by someone else’s behavior. Add in the fact that the person knocking you off course is a loved one? A partner or close friend, a relative or roommate? What a betrayal! 

To celebrate our recent anniversary, I wanted to talk about navigating conflict with a partner while we’re working on our pets training. And, with my husband’s consent, I’ll be sharing some of the conflicts we’ve encountered over the years with our lovely crew of critters. Ultimately, we shared a common goal of wanting to have a home that met everyone’s needs, and allowed for everyone’s lives to be as fulfilling as possible. So…

Let’s change our partner’s behavior!

How do we change our human loved ones’ behavior, as a pet parent with our pet’s best intentions at heart? Well, secret’s out, I used behavior modification techniques on all of my friends, family, and loved ones to get them all to be compliant and 100% in agreement with me! Yay! Problem solved and it just took some cookies and baby gates!

Considerations

Okay, not so fast…let’s consider what happens when we start the conversation as “how do we change their behavior.” I’m sure you can see some of the problems that could arise from treating our friends and family like an outright behavior experiment, especially if they are becoming the villain the way this narrative plays out. That’s some mightier than thou energy that we are not trying to bring to the table (even thoooough technically all interactions and changes of environment/behavior could be considered an experiment in behavior so even when we aren’t trying to influence the environment around us and thereby their behavior, we are still accidentally conducting behavior experiments…).

That being said, using the Enrichment Framework can help us approach this conflict in ways that are fair to everyone involved- your pet, your partner,* and yourself! 

Note: I am not a behaviorist nor a couples counselor! If you are experiencing conflict within your home outside the scope of what I am addressing here, I highly recommend looking into a therapist or additional support line. 

• Inclusive Therapists 
• Suicide & Crisis Hotline (call 988)
• Family Institute at Northwestern University
• Safe Havens Sheltering service for companion Animals during Domestic Dispute 

If you are currently experiencing a crisis or don’t feel safe at home here is a link you can use to find help and assistance.

*Partner will be the term used, but know that this is an umbrella term to mean friend, family member, roommate, colleague, husband, wife, situationship, close workplace proximity associates, etc. 

Step One: List desirable and undesirable behaviors regarding your pets 

If you’re dealing with behavior issues with your pet, this list will be separate! However, it very well could be related since our pets’ behavior plans so often involve all members of the family being involved in implementing. 

What about your partner’s behavior is hindering progress? Is there something with your behavior that is hindering progress? Is it creating a safety risk? Do you feel undermined in your efforts? Is there a chance that your partner feels undermined or not considered in the plan made for your pets?

Feel free to include your partner in this. In fact, I highly recommend you both make your own lists, and discuss together! (Not going to lie, this can also be a cathartic way to get your thoughts together and come into the conversation a little less heated if you’ve got some big feelings).

Keep in mind your partner’s method of communication; they do not need to actually write the list if it’s not a helpful method for them. While I am an avid list maker, my husband is less apt to write one out. When we went through this process, he had some quick bullet points and most of his major concerns in his head. We avoided conflict at step one just by understanding that our brains work and process differently, which is ultimately no skin off my nose as long as our goals are met! 

For example… 

Desirable Traits: 

• Taylor: Better at preparing for busy days beforehand, and collecting items for cheap enrichment like egg cartons and cardboard. Takes care of food and medicine for animals regularly. 
• Chance: Plays more intensive “Find it” games with Ghost. Everytime he wipes off the dogs paws, he kisses them on the head. Adorable, 10/10. Hangs cat toys and cat play configurations that the cats adore. They also love him *so* much. I’m not salty. 

Undesirable Traits: 

• Taylor: Can get very overwhelmed with work, and her schedule can be irregular week to week. Decision paralysis can make it hard to do training if there are not clear goals. Not usually available to help with the cats in the evening. Some days are worse for Taylor health wise and it can make it hard to walk the dogs regularly. Feels guilty and won’t ask for help until too late. 
• Chance: Will forget to do cat litter without multiple reminders. Sometimes he is working later in the day when Taylor is in relax mode and assigning responsibility at this time doesn’t seem fair. On walks is less stringent on what he wants from the dogs. 

Don’t stay too long at this level. No one wants to go through a four page list of undesirable behaviors. If you have a four page list of undesirable behaviors with your partner, it may make more sense to go straight to the professionals listed above to navigate them best. 

Step Two: Are needs being met? 

What is a species typical behavior for your partner? Does yours chat with friends and play video games to relax and unwind after work? Do they fold laundry a certain way? Do they give your dog forehead kisses whenever they wipe their paws, and then act like you’re the weirdo when you mention you don’t know why the dog keeps pushing her head into you when you wipe their paws?  

Okay I just wanted an excuse to call my husband’s behavior “species typical.” 

But let’s consider what our partners need as we move forward! Asking them to exercise the dog is not a huge task in your mind, but if your partner’s routine includes needing to decompress in the evening right when you want them to focus on the dog, then conflict arising or “failure to comply” is likely.

We have to take into account that the other living being we share a home with (human or not!) has needs we don’t always understand, and needs that can change over time. Depending on your neurotypes, you may need their help to find solutions that suit them. Work with the brain you have, without getting bogged down by the “shoulds!” 

Consider the following: What are the needs that you each have on a day to day basis? What is non-negotiable? What has some wiggle room? And- especially- what can work within both of your lives to make your pet’s training plan work? 

Step Three: Are Agency Needs Met? 

“Clean the litter box now”. 

Did your brain put the brakes on just reading that statement? When we’re talking about agency we are talking about providing options to choice in a scenario, not limiting ourselves to “do it” or “don’t do it.” After all, that’s not really much of a choice is it? 

Use the items from our last step to create choices for each other. This should be give and take, so don’t go in anticipating that you need to make zero concessions. What are valid options we can consider so that the task is worked on? Don’t be afraid to ask your partner, because they may have ideas of what choices they need than you do! My partner has had way better ideas than I have for our household!

Now, agency does not mean that things like welfare, nutrition, and safety are optionable. Especially if we’re talking about these choices impacting the welfare of the creatures in our life. 

For example: feeding the dog is not optional. However, when and how the dog is fed can have options! Let’s look at some of the most common conflicts we’ve experienced.